Day 1

just got off the phone with him

a lot harder than i ever imagined

he wasn't being himself, he kept saying he didn't want things to be like this, but it was a different tone, it wasnt the way you would expect your boyfriend to act

there was a lot of silence, and he kept saying this was my choice, this was all on me
towards the end i told him that i loved him, and that i wished him the best, & that i truly meant that
and he said don't say that to me, i don't want to hear that
...but why i asked him why can't  i say how i feel?
he said it was pissing him off
so i said okay then bye
and he said bye
and i hung up

i hate it.
but i know i have to do stick to it
he's obviously not changing, and has too much pride inside to say what he truly feels.
its never going to work we've gotten too bad to ever get good again
and its sad, but I'm glad i got to experience this for future relationships
so i know what i don't want in them and make sure i never settle for less than my best ever again.

all i know now is that i need to focus on myself and start putting myself first once again.

mending this broken heart is gonna need time, dedication, and some self loving...<3

Christmas Breakup

i don't even know where to start...
this is my first blog, I've always wanted to do this but never came around to it
i love writing. writing has always helped me get through the hard times
so i hope this blog helps me get over my breakup

it happened today. out of all days Christmas :'(
christmas will forever be ruined for me.
boyfriend of almost 2 years
who I've known for 10 years
who i dated 5 years ago, who was my last bf in 2006
a month ago we were talking about getting married
2 wks ago we were getting his parents approval of getting married
and now I'm here venting, writing this blog to help me cope

i know this was my fault, but i can't help what bothers me.
he simply stated "get over it"
...crushed me.
how can you tell me to get over something thats going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

by far the worst christmas ever

i had to sit in my room and unwrap the present labeled to my love from yours truly with tears in my eyes i gave my dad the nike sweatshirt i bought him, put the vans iPhone case he wanted on my phone and stuck the shirt i bought him in my dresser.

I've slept all day.
i woke up two hours ago and called him because we didn't end on the best of terms but he was with his friend
so i told him to call me tomorrow
once i hung up the phone i realized i was changing my number tomorrow
so i texted him and just said that i didn't want to end on bad terms
and that i wasn't going to bad mouth him and hope he would do the same
i told him i was gonna change my number
and to return my gifts please
he never responded.
& knowing him i know he won't

so its really over.
breaks my heart because I've done so much for this guy & have accepted everything he brings to the relationship, shit most girls would never tolerate.
but i guess that was my fault too.

New Years Resolution: MOVING ON & GETTING HEALTHY